Not finding Nemo, 23rd Meditation and Gems’ New Date — Constant Life #103

At this point, I have two best friends; Chamber and Gems, and then there is Jewel, who went missing some years ago.

Today I woke up with an erection and a blank space between my ears. There was no one in my head to take credit for this familiar stretch in my pants. When I put my hands to check how things were, I found some clay between the skins. That’s when I decided to get up. After releasing the morning yellow, and cleaning the clay, I went back to bed with memories of how I once made love to Nemo.

It’s been almost a month I haven’t met Nemo. That night when I asked her why we didn’t go for a walk in the evening, she said it was because she had just met me yesterday and needed some distance. She later informed that she went on a walk with the Guitarist guy. It was a single word text. It just said, ‘Guitarist.’ And the text before it was a question from my side. It was THAT one word that made me so insecure that I had to close my eyes and focus on my breathing. I couldn’t live in the fear that she, no matter how I handle my emotions, would one day leave me for another man. A few seconds later when I opened my eyes I knew that I was leaving her, First, and Forever. A few minutes later I saw myself telling her a lie, and then later hiding behind it. She knew it was a lie, I think. I am still behind that lie. Some times I still see her name ring on my phone, and I patiently watch it until it goes black again. After that, I feel a strange satisfaction that I am being missed. And hate that I can’t pick the call to tell her that she is being missed, too — probably more.

I use an app for my meditation and mostly it’s Andy guiding me through it. Currently, I am on a 30-days long course on Focus. Last night I passed out during my meditation. In the morning I was confused if it counts or should I repeat the twenty-third day, or just move on with it and finish the course. I have already spent a couple of months, and I am still on the 23rd day. At this point in my life, I am not even sure if the app is working or not. I feel equally anxious before and after my 20 minutes sessions. Most of my meditations spend themselves in having conversations I’ll never have, with people I’ll never meet, and most of the remaining time goes in reminding myself to bring my focus back to my point of focus, and whatever is left, if there is anything at all, I am meditating. I am not sure what that word means. But the voice from the app told me to stick to the process. I think I’ll repeat my 23rd day, again.

Yesterday when Gems returned from his date, he couldn’t stop talking about the woman he met two days ago through a dating app. They went out for a comedy show, and he couldn’t stop laughing at the jokes, he told me. At the end of the second routine, the not-so-famous comedian told the girl sitting besides Gems that she should marry him because he gets all his jokes.

He seemed happy and told me so many more things that I can’t seem to recall at the moment. But almost all of them was a version of telling me how good he felt when he was with her. He later stopped only because he needed to use the washroom.

“I’ve been holding my shit for a day,” he confessed and disappeared for rather a long time.

Later when he got out of the washroom, he continued articulating how love feels in the first few weeks; ecstatic, understanding, gentle, sane.

They are serious!

When Gems talks to her on the phone I can hear half of the conversation from the next room, and I have this feeling that I would be hearing a lot of them, at least this month. But I am happy that Gems could finally find something better to do with his fingers than typing on computer keyboards to edit the research papers only two more people would read.